An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table, were hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged withered hand shakily made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those, she said, they are for the funeral!"
To solve a recruitment crisis, the chief of staff of the US Air Force decided to invite all the local young men and women to an open day at an Arkansas airfield. As he and his staff were standing near a brand new jet fighter plane, two brothers walked over to them.
The chief of staff held out his hand, introduced himself and, addressing the first brother, said, "Tell me son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?" The young man replied, "I pilot."
"Great!" enthused the chief of staff, turning to his aide. "He's just what we're looking for. Get him in straight away to complete all the paperwork." With that, the aide hustled the first brother away.
Then the chief of staff turned to the other brother and asked, "So, what skills do you bring to the Air Force?" "I chop wood," he said.
"Sorry, son," said the chief of staff. "We don't need wood choppers in the Air Force. Is there anything else you can do?" "I chop wood!" repeated the young man.
"Son, you're not listening. We don't need wood choppers in the Air Force." "But you hired my brother," protested the young man.
"Of course we did. He's a pilot."
"Well, I have to chop it before he can pile it."
In a hot desert country, a shop keeper was selling ties. He had thin ones, wide ones, ones with stripes, others with polka dots. It was a hot scorching day, and as the stall-keeper looked towards the horizon, he saw a cloud of dust. The cloud of dust came closer and closer until he could make out a man stumbling across the desert.
As the man got to the tie-seller he said, "Water, water. I've been traveling across the desert and I'm dying of thirst. Do you have any water?" The tie-seller said, "Sorry, I don't have any water, but would you like to buy a tie. I have thin ones, wide ones, stripes and ones with dots."
"I don't need a tie I'm dying of thirst. I need water." "There's a village about a mile away and I know it has a restaurant you could try there." So he sends the thirsty man away.
About an hour later the tie-seller sees another dust cloud on the horizon. It's the same thirsty man crawling on his hands and knees.
The tie-seller says, "What happened" Couldn't you find the village?" "Yes, I found the village." "Couldn't you find the restaurant?" Yes I found the restaurant."
"Well then what happened"
"The restaurant wouldn't let me in without a tie."
An unemployed biologist was having considerable difficulty in finding a new job. He finally saw an ad in a local newspaper for a position at a zoo.
In the interview, the manager told him that their only gorilla, which had been a star attraction, had recently died, and it would be sometime before they could replace it. Meanwhile, they needed someone to dress up as a gorilla and pretend to be the animal.
The biologist was quite embarrassed, but being desperate for money, he accepted the job. The next day, the biologist put on a gorilla suit and headgear and entered a cage from a rear entrance.
Visitors smiled at him and threw bread. After a while, the biologist really got into the act. He jumped up and down, beat his chest and roared as people cheered.
The following day, the biologist entered the wrong cage by accident and found himself staring at a lion. The lion roared and rushed toward him. The scared biologist turned and ran, while screaming, "Help! Help!"
The lion leaped onto the gorilla, knocked him to the ground and whispered in his ear, "Hey, it's me Leonard. Shut up or we'll both lose our jobs!"
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started lecturing the farmer, and in general throwing his weight and trying to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are, I never heard of circle flies."
So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey, wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses rear?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement to even think about calling you a horse's rear." The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
A man goes to the doctor. He says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"
The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks. I really need 20 bucks."
"I've never seen or heard anything like this before. How long has this been going on?" asked the doctor. "That's nothing Doc. Put your ear to my knee."
The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say, "Man, I really need 10 dollars. Just lend me 10 bucks!"
"Sir," said the dumbfounded Doctor, "I really don't know what to tell you. I've never encountered anything like this before." "Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more. Just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged.
The doctor did as the man said and heard the ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 bucks if you will."
"I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in my books."
"However, I can make a well educated guess though. Based on life experience I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places."
A blond, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new NASA experiment to send women to different planets. First, they called the brunette in and asked her a question. "If you could go to any planet; what planet would it be, and why?"
After pondering the question she answered, "I would like to go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra-terrestrial life."
They said "Well okay, thank you." and told her that they would get back to her.
Next, the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked her the same question. She replied, "I would like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings." Again, "Thank you, and we'll get back to you."
Finally, the blond entered the room and they asked her the same question they asked the brunette and the redhead. She thought for a while and replied, "I would like to go to the sun."
The people from NASA replied, "Why? Don't you know that if you went to the sun you would burn to death?"
The blond smirked and put her hands on her hips. "Are you guys dumb? I'd go at night!"
The Major called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him, and send him in to see me."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops.
"Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."
Later that day the Major called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful next time?"
"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.
A few months later, the Major called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time, be more tactful."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward."
"Not so fast, McGrath!"
One of the entertainers on a cruise ship was a magician. Since the passengers were different each week, the magician always had a new audience. So he always did the same tricks.
The captain's parrot, however, was stationed in the performance hall, and observed the magicians tricks week after week.
Being a wise old bird, he eventually figured out all the magician's secrets. Then, irritatingly, he started heckling during the show. "Hey, why is every card the same? It's in his cape pocket! It's a different rabbit!"
The magician was fuming, but it was the captain's parrot so he couldn't really do anything.
One terrible day however, the ship had a boiler explosion and sank.
The magician wound up on a small raft in the middle of the Atlantic with, as luck would have it, the captain's parrot. They glared at each other with visible hatred but didn't say a word. This went on for several days.
Finally on the tenth day, the parrot couldn't take it any longer.
Exasperated, he said, "Okay, I give up. Where's the ship?"
A duck walks into a local store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk says, "No, I am sorry, we have cherries and olives but no grapes."
"Oh," says the duck and leaves.
Ten minutes later the duck returns and asks the same clerk, "Do you have any grapes?" "Like I said before, we have cherries and olives, but WE DON'T HAVE GRAPES!" says the clerk.
"Oh," says the duck and leaves.
But ten minutes later the duck returns and again asks, "Do you have any grapes?" "Look, beak-lips," screams the clerk. "WE HAVE NO GRAPES! We will NEVER have grapes! And if you ask me again, I am going to nail your webby little feet to the floor!!!"
"Oh," says the duck and leaves.
Ten minutes later, the door swings open and the duck returns. The clerk is furious. He slams his fist on the counter, stares menacingly at the duck and screams, "WHAT???!!"
"Uh...uh...do ...you ...have...any....NAILS?" "Nails? Nails? No, we don't have nails," answers the clerk. "Mmmm," says the duck.
"So, do you have any grapes?"
A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it.
"I will give anything of mine, to the man who swims across that pool."
So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.
In the pool is a man, and he is swimming as hard as he can, and the fins come out of the water and the jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going and the sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the edge and he clambers out of the pool, tired and soaked.
The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, "I am a man of my word. Anything of mine I will give, my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen.
"So sir what will it be?" the millionaire asks.
The guy grabs the microphone and says, "Why don't we start with the name of the idiot that pushed me in the pool!"
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas.
With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!"
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!"
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer -- who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket -- went in to try out for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."
"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and Tomorrow."
He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know." "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"